My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.