Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

This is hilarious….

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

this is literally a CIA plant

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

Um … Hot Wings please

Me sliding into hell like

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*