My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Not all heroes wear capes…
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works