My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best