Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what