My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
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What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?