Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Limited budget

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me: