My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
How does one answer this?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.