My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me recordaron éste meme
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that