Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.