Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bout dat hot dog summer

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Woke up with morning Yule Log

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise