My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
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It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies