Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

This will teach them to underestimate me

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

I missed you with all my darts

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Breaking news:

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts