My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.