Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot