Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

fr

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage