my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
January is lasting longer than my marriage
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
OKAY DAD
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.