Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works