My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
me hitting on a model
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.