Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Brands during Pride

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet