Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I’d rather fork than spoon.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

If you know, you know

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.