Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.