My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
This kinda thing happens to me often
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people