Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

i hope my email finds you on fire

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING