Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Girl, same.

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

i can’t work under these festive conditions

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

Ain’t no way

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.