My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
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Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Spell check is for lasers.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.