Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg