@Divergentmama

My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house

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@prufrockluvsong

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

@Mr_Kapowski

[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents

@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

@kumailn

“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@ruinedpicnic

[please enter a password]
ilovedogs
[password must contain at least one capital]
iloveparisdogs

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.