@Divergentmama

My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house

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@Smooheed

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

@treydayway

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

@yung_butters

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

@DadBits

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

@PFitzpa

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

@envydatropic

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”