My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house

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*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country


Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank


I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween


british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving


Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.


So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.


Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”