My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.