My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
2022: I can fix it
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Hard not to take this personally
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
The smoothest fall of all time
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.