Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

👀