My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.