My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper