My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.