Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Camping tip: No.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.