Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it