My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
i was baptized in a car wash
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”