@GloriaFallon123

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

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@HiddenPinky

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

@Mikel_Jollett

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

@JasonLight73

If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don’t lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic

@bonehugsnirony

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

@realHamOnWry

*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*

@Marlebean

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

@DzNutz83

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@haveigotnews

Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.

@rpbateman

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.