My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

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You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.


Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?


Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.


doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you


No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.


if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about


Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.


I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.


Environmentally friendly means to stop burning bridges and just throw people off of them