Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people