My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.