My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.