My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
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Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses