My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
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I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Dune (2021)
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?