Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah