My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I have written yet another poem about laundry
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister