My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
You Might Also Like
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.