My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.