My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Any refunds available?…
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?