Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing