My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Bread puns are on the rise!
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.