My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Limited budget
