My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
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omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”