My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
New menu item
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision