My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
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[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
respect
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.