My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
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My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
