My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
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Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I am absolutely never leaving this website
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Am I having a stroke?
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.