My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Liquor Store Parking
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF