my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
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“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
This checks out
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
🤣😂🤣
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.