my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
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paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.