Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Generation gap…

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.