Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud