Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.