My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.