My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
You got this…
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz