My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.