My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave