My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.