My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
You Might Also Like
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake