My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
