My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force