My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
This is me 🤣🤣
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Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda