My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
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The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?