Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

why I oughta

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage