My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Managing expectations
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My god she’s good.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap