Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…

Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

ME: i’m gonna join the army

HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good